About a month ago, she finally told me that she'd done this thing. It was upsetting, but I was willing to entertain it at the time, since I care about her. a few weeks later I broke down to her, saying that I couldn't sustain us long-term with her having a tulpa, and she seemed to understand.
5:54 PM
She does stuff in VR frequently, and that's how she met the person who inspired her to make a tulpa. He also got her hypnotised without my knowledge, and I'm pretty cross about that too.
5:55 PM
She has made modifications to her avatar to depict her switching.
Can I ask what the issue with this is, from your perspective? Do you perceive it as mental illness? Are you uncomfortable with them sharing a deep relationship with this thoughtform?
Integration would kill both, technically. It's a merging of personalities.
It's not impossible for someone to form a romantic relationship with their tulpa, but it's rarer than the memes would imply. Most remain platonic. I'm not sure there's much we can offer as a solution outside of talking this out with them.
It's a little strange to me that you'd be so opposed to it on the grounds of a relationship. For most its akin to a deep friendship or brotherhood for instance. Or is specifically that you don't want the tulpa to be switched in or "seeing" your relationship with them - which is supposed to be private?
6:10 PM
Switching for that matter though can be done at pretty much any time. You can switch and create with a thoughtform on the same day. There's nothing preventing them from dissipating the tulpa other than... well... empathy.
6:11 PM
Takes a long time depending on how much time they've put in, though.
Right but if you're having someone else hypnotize you, does it not require trusting that other person? My understanding is critical thinking is diminished in that state and one may be vulnerable.
6:13 PM
So my thing there is I'd want to know she was going into it with someone trustworthy and I'd just want to know kind of roughly what the goal of it is.
It's not. You're aware when you're being hypnotized. It's not like a dream, you must actively give up control and accept the premise you're being told. You can't make someone dance like a chicken unless they sit down, listen to what you're saying, and decide not to resist.
Ahh, even if they switch it up while the person is in that state?
If I assume it is like subspace at all, one of the issues I have is being effectively unable to protest because I can't really verbalize in that state. That said a significant enough transgression probably would snap me out of that state, and there's likely considerably less potential risk given it's remote.
I am probably getting a little far from the topic they wanted to discuss though.
If they actively change their intent mid-way through you'll notice it. And in fact, doing so will likely jarr you out of hypnosis. The way hypnosis works requires a steady build of supporting imagery.
We have mostly resolved the hypnosis thing. She didn't think it would be a big deal at the time, and then it very much was. She wasn't making a tulpa at the time.
6:22 PM
I'm just cross with the person with a tulpa who had her hypnotised.
6:22 PM
Also I know that hypnosis requires consent. She was down with it.
6:23 PM
She developed switching after I asked her not to, and she put stuff in her avatar to facilitate switching while knowing it made me uncomfortable.(edited)
6:24 PM
She did trust the people hypnotising her, btw, but I didn't know them at all, and that was a problem too.
While this is out of my wheelhouse of expertise, I wonder if this has less to do with tulpamancy and more to do with other problems in your relationship. I think the fact she's doing things knowing they make you upset and hanging out a lot with people you don't know about are red flags something is wrong.(edited)
Getting back on topic, she's said that she at the time thought "my life is so great, I wish I had someone to share it with", but I want to be that person, and I want to be the only that person.
6:26 PM
She has said a number of reasons as to why she's done it.
6:27 PM
They range from wanting to make a friend to thinking it would be fun to needing to fill a void.
Yuka
Is it really your place to rule over the contents of her mind? Have you considered her side, why she wants to have a tulpa and switch?
While this is out of my wheelhouse of expertise, I wonder if this has less to do with tulpamancy and more to do with other problems in your relationship. I think the fact she's doing things knowing they make you upset and hanging out a lot with people you don't know about are red flags something is wrong. (edited)
In terms of the tulpa, one thing I keep in mind, though maybe it isn't the right way to think about it, is that the person did have the option of just going about it and not saying anything since it's not really possible to monitor what is going on in someone else's head.
Personally, I would probably at least be careful to make sure to understand her reasons for it so that she feels heard and continue to keep an open dialogue, but you may already be doing that.
I have a number of things regarding her doing stuff in VR that I'm not comfortable with, but I don't think they're too outrageous:
Don't sleep in VR
Don't cuddle other people in VR
Don't get hypnotised by anyone but me
Stop switching in VR (new, we've established her having a tulpa at all is weird to me, but I'm accepting of her switching irl for now, though I'd prefer if she just, y'know, didn't)
Honestly, I would be confused if my partner wanted a tulpa while I was with them, but it depends on the context. If they wanted a tulpa because they felt I wasn't enough for them, I would have a problem with that. If they wanted a tulpa for a different reason or already had a tulpa, that would be a different story.
It feels like she's extremely offended that I cordoned off something as off-limits that she might want to do.
I would be upset if my partner was upset about Ranger, but that's because I have to share a body with him and I don't really have a way out of that.
Here's the thing, I'm sorry it may sound harsh. No matter what relationship you have with someone it is in the end their choice, they have their own autonomy and its no one elses position to tell them how to be, what to do with their mind or their body.
You way want to be her everything but thats your own wants and not hers. What you have to decide is what you want to do.
She's asked if I would still have gotten into a relationship with her if she already had a tulpa. I said I probably wouldn't have, but I don't know what could have been.(edited)
Obsidian |O🌑E
Here's the thing, I'm sorry it may sound harsh. No matter what relationship you have with someone it is in the end their choice, they have their own autonomy and its no one elses position to tell them how to be, what to do with their mind or their body.
You way want to be her everything but thats your own wants and not hers. What you have to decide is what you want to do.
Indeed icarus, you want a choice in the matter in what you do and how you wish to progress. In all likelihood it isnt as bad as you think, I doubt you would lose her to a tulpa - but you could by being demanding in regards to your want for control.
I think seeking assistance from a counselor would be wise. I don't have enough context to know what's best for you and your wife, it could be a communication barrier that can be fixed or it may be an indicator for something else. We're aware that some partners are not okay with tulpas and that's just how it is.
She has said a number of reasons as to why she's done it.
They range from wanting to make a friend to thinking it would be fun to needing to fill a void.
I agree with Ranger. Its unhealthy, and thats not a criticism but an observation, to express how you want someone to be. I understand how it must make you feel and those are the things to discuss with your partner, however that shouldnt be a point of manipulation either. Both of you need to listen to each other and a counsellor may well help.
Iscah
I might suggest "individual" as an alternative to "singlet".
I don't think it's unhealthy to have barriers (i.e. Don't cuddle with other people, don't have sex with other people). I want to emphasize that a counselor would be able to provide more accurate advice. Like what Cat said, creating a tulpa during a relationship can be a warning sign or not depending on the context, and on the internet it's impossible to get the full picture.
If someone I was in a relationship with were to tell me that I can't share my life with others, or couldn't do certain things in my own mind, honestly that would feel very suffocating. Of course if you don't want to be poly you should expect your partner to never do sexual/romantic things with others. But having a tulpa doesn't necessarily go into sexual/romantic territory.(edited)
1
Yuka
So, you were plural at some point by your own choice, and now you are taking issue that someone else has chosen to become plural
Personally, I don't think creating a tulpa while in a relationship a warning sign unless they're specifically making them for romantic reasons maybe. Even living with an SO doesn't necessarily negate existential loneliness or feeling alone inside your own head.(edited)
We are getting counselling. We're probably going to be getting individual therapy pretty soon here, too.
@Iscah - jump
Thats good. It will help. There is nothing wrong with having wants at all, its entirely natural, however it should never really be our partners responsibility to meet them but our own.
Relationships have healthy boundaries which we agree on, sometimes at the beginning and sometimes day to day. It is often a good idea to sit down now and again and address them as things change but go unspoken.
It doesnt mean being walked all over but being able to discuss things mutually about where you are at and how you feel. When we first meet someone it can be very different 10 years down the line.
You dont have to be hard core committed, but flexible, willing to let lines be drawn and also let go if necessary. But we really shouldn't diminish the actions of others that are their own nor intended to cause harm but help them grow.
I am being as understanding as I can be. I love her, and I'm not giving up on her or us, in that order. I speak to her tulpa fairly frequently. I knew that my gut reaction was "dissipate it, now" when I found out, so I employed forbearance so that maybe we could figure something out that wasn't me hard-lining a dissipation, because I don't want to hurt her.
I have heard lots of stories where finding out someone is trans can end a relationship. My fear is losing a gf because I'm a tulpa. However, I think that if one of these deal breakers isn't established, staying in that relationship can hurt more than breaking up
Of course, even this depends from relationship to relationship(edited)
Yuka
If someone really important to me made a personal decision, I would be more empathetic and understanding because I love them
That's a broad oversimplification. If someone in a relationship with you genuinely tread on a personal boundary, you would either be forced to move the boundary; acquire assurances the boundary will not be challenged again; or end the relationship. Whilst I don't think making a tulpa is directly equivalent to accepting a second romantic partner (I'd say it's closer to your partner adopting a teenage child without telling you), it is none the less a very real and dramatic change.
I don't see her tulpa being a romantic partner, and I know that she doesn't see them as a romantic partner. I am not threatened in that regard. I am threatened as a life partner, close companion, and confidant.
7:02 PM
Also yeah, it is pretty similar to there suddenly being a teenager around but in my wife's body, which is weird by conventional standards.
Iscah
I don't see her tulpa being a romantic partner, and I know that she doesn't see them as a romantic partner. I am not threatened in that regard. I am threatened as a life partner, close companion, and confidant.
She has described her desire for creating a tulpa partially stemming from wanting a companion.
Iscah
I am being as understanding as I can be. I love her, and I'm not giving up on her or us, in that order. I speak to her tulpa fairly frequently. I knew that my gut reaction was "dissipate it, now" when I found out, so I employed forbearance so that maybe we could figure something out that wasn't me hard-lining a dissipation, because I don't want to hurt her.
As to reassurances, she tells me she won't leave me, but it's not just "not leaving" that I want from her. I want to be for her all that she is for me.
If I can be blunt, though, I do think this arises from insecurity regarding your position. I don't think it's reasonable to prevent someone in a relationship from making close companions - whether they be incorporeal or not.
Iscah
She has described her desire for creating a tulpa partially stemming from wanting a companion.
I mean I am in a long term relationship (and technically poly though neither of us have been doing anything re that in a while) and I created a tulpa for companionship, and she is aware. It hasn't changed my primary relationship at all, but it solves a different problem I think than an external person does (what I said about existential loneliness) and one doesn't really threaten the other at all. IMO, anyway.
Feels almost like cheating? Emotional cheating is a thing, but unlike the virtual cuddling with people I don't know, I can convince myself that it's sort of someone I do know. Not much better, but a little better.
Iscah
So to have someone or something step into a spot of companion closer than I am, it is deeply irksome.
Relationships do not, realistically speaking, exist in a hierarchy. It's possible to be deeply bonded to multiple people with completely different contexts. I have a "best friend" who is most definitely closer to me than my current lover. And neither of them detract from each other.
1
rayan 246
Oh, interesting. How would you determine specifically that someone or something would be a closer companion to her, than you?
This is going to sound snarky: Try having someone literally in your head, able to speak to you with thoughts, with whom you share almost every problem you encounter. That'd be a pretty dang close companion, I'd think.
This is going to sound snarky: Try having someone literally in your head, able to speak to you with thoughts, with whom you share almost every problem you encounter. That'd be a pretty dang close companion, I'd think.
But yeah, I get that people can fill different niches, but I see the niches she seems to be filling with this tulpa as niches I thought I was filling/supposed to fill, and it hurts to have that taken away.
1
1
1
1